we all wander

I haven’t had a serious relationship with a boy my whole life. And you know what? I’m okay with it. Yes, it would be lovely to finally have a boyfriend. I’m in college for gosh sakes. But after a lot of reflection, I’m not ready. Throughout high school, I was way too busy with my academics, and my faith life was in shambles. Even though I’ve grown a lot over the past year, I’m still not ready. 

I want to be a godly woman when I meet my future boyfriend. I want to have a strong relationship with the Lord. I would have laughed at this reason a few years ago. I didn’t care about what kind of man I wanted to date. But I have realized now I want to be with a Christian man - someone who loves God more than me. And you know what, if that’s in my cards, the Lord has already hand-picked someone for me. Right now, we both might not be ready to meet each other. We still have kinks that need to be smoothed out. It’s frustrating sometimes, but I’m fine with waiting. I’d rather wait than meet a dozen Mr. Wrongs. 

As a speaker pointed out to me this past weekend, girls deserve a godly man, not just a Christian boy. Even though a guy may go to church every Sunday and attend bible studies/worship, it doesn’t mean he has a relationship with God. This goes vice-versa. Secondly, girls also deserve to be initiated with. It’s weird hearing that even though we’re surrounded with society telling us girls should ask the guys out. But I agree with the statement - we do deserve to be initiated with. And ladies, keep your standards high - never settle. Guys, same. Don’t ever settle.  

The Lord has plans for us - and though it’s hard to wait, He always pulls through. 

This year has challenged me. This year has been lonely. This year has been full of tears. But this year has also been invigorating. 

Ever since I was in high school, I wanted to move out-of-state for college. It was my dream to get away and see something new. I’m a huge believer in experiences. If there was such thing as an experience-collector, I’d sign up for the job. And that’s why I’m at an out-of-state university right now nearly 1,000 miles from home. 

It wasn’t the homesickness that got me - no, it was the loneliness. I missed hugging people. I missed my friends. I missed seeing the familiar. It was a huge wake-up call because I basically ate my own words. I love change, but I suppose I’m in need of smaller doses. One step at a time. 

First semester was horrible. The worst moment is when you realize you picked the wrong university to spend your next four years at. I didn’t fit in with the people (I’m sick of being glared at for no good reason) and the social atmosphere. The main reason I came here on out-of-state tuition was for my major, and I soon realized I didn’t want to be a journalism major. And making friends was way harder than I expected. I’ve moved before - so I assumed my outgoing personality would lend a hand. Wrong. 

Even though I can bitch about the horrors for a few more paragraphs, I’ll get to the point. I was called to this school for a purpose - to find the Lord again. If you’ve read my story, you’ll know that I’ve wandered off the path a lot. 

In the Bible, there is a parable about Jesus as the Shepherd and wandering sheep. In biblical times, shepherds used to break the legs of their sheep who wandered away from the flock. They’d then use splints to hold the sheep’s legs in place, and carry them on their shoulder while their legs healed. The reason behind this was for sheep to become dependent on the Shepherd - and when their legs healed, they would know the shepherd and follow him. 

¹² “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ¹³ And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. ¹⁴ In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:12-14, NIV)

Sound familiar? The Lord is pursing you. You may wander, but He will find you because He wants a relationship with you. Breaking legs seems rather cruel and barbaric, right?  But we can be broken directly - by God yanking the rug out from under you -  or indirectly - by God letting us fail on our own. Through our brokenness, we discover the Lord’s kindness and grace. He heals you and sets that broken bone into place. He is trying to tell you something - to teach you that you need Him and must trust in Him. He never violates the free will He gave to us. Instead, He creates adversity to make us realize how weak we are - we are not gods of our own worlds.

Why does He do this you may ask? Because He loves you so much, and wants you to know Him. 

In my own situation, the rug was yanked out from under me. I had no one to look to but the Lord. He made me open my eyes and truly see Him. Now, all I want to do is pursue Him. When I was doing the “woe is me” mantra about friends, He lead me to a few wonderful individuals and a Christian sorority. I’d never thought I’d ever join a Christian sorority - ever. I scoffed at them, and everything they stood for only a few years ago. If someone had told me then, I’d have rolled my eyes and smirked. “Like hell,” I’d say. Well, some hell went down, and here I am. 

He’s guided me every step of the way though it never seemed that way. Some days, all I pray about is knowing His plan for me. Why? Because, to put it eloquently, I’m scared shitless. I have no idea what major I’m going to end up. I still wish I had a closer group of friends. And remember how I mentioned the school I’m at is not the right school? I wasn’t lying. I am going to transfer. He brought me to here for a purpose - but now I might have to go back, and be a freshman all over again. 

This time though, I’ll have Him to guide me. But while I know that, it’s still stressful. I have to somehow get around a lease agreement for an apartment next year, see if credits transfer, and actually pick/find out what schools I even got into.

I’m still broken. I’m still healing. I’m still learning to completely surrender myself up to Him. 

Lord, please guide me. Where is my journey leading me?