we all wander
these words are my innermost thoughts, turmoils, and fears. perhaps some of these will resonate with your own lives. perhaps you have gone through it all before.
19. college student. usa. texan. christian. lover of God.
As women, we are cursed. We crave our men to be obsessed with us, to be absolutely consumed with us. We want them to be only thinking of us. You can see this way of thinking in any romance novel or movie. Or even real-life when your friends complain that their man does not spend any time with them. We desire them so much, and we want to be desired. A man’s attention makes us feel desirable. This is how we feel worth.
So we need to fight against this compulsion, for you want your man to be obsessed with God, not you. When he becomes obsessed with you and not the Lord, you become an idol to him. The Lord shows you love, love that’s all consuming. You are worthy because He loves you. You are His dearly beloved, His beautiful daughter. Become obsessed with the Lord, not obsessed with the idea that your man must be obsessed with you.
Just think about it, and if you see yourself wanting to be consumed by your partner, stop yourself. It’s an embarrassing, vulnerable thing to admit it, but it is something we face as the aftermath of original sin - the Fall of Man.
Or do you admire from the distance?
The conversation I had with one of my friends (C) at 3 A.M. this morning:
C: We need to find DQ (one of my best friends) a boyfriend
Me: Yeah, she thinks she’s never going to find someone
C: It’s because she wants to marry Jesus. No offense, but there are a lot of guys out there, and you’ve got to date a few bad ones before you meet Mr. Right. She’s too picky.
My best friend hasn’t met “the one” yet. She thinks that she is going to be forever alone and all that melodrama (we nicknamed her DQ for Drama Queen). She’s given up that she’ll have find the guy of her dreams - a man rooted in his faith.
To be honest, I was like C a year or two ago. My thoughts at the time: Why do we have to marry a Christian? There are so many people out there who don’t have faith, but are good, moral people. It sounds harsh just leaving them out of the dating pool because they aren’t believers.
The truth: Dating a non-Christian is dangerous to your faith, no matter how good, nice, or moral they seem to be.
- It is impossible to worship Christ with your whole heart when you have an anchor dragging along behind you - this boyfriend or girlfriend might be “open” to the idea of faith, they might completely disregard God all together, either way - it’s not healthy for your relationship with Jesus
- If someone is not for God, they are against Him - it’s a harsh truth, guys, I know. But there is no neutrality with the Lord. Your relationship with Him is the most important thing in your life, and if someone is His enemy, that’s going to bring both of you down
- Don’t say you’ll date non-believers, but marry a believer - it doesn’t work like that. You and I both know it.
- Just because they go to church every Sunday doesn’t make someone a Christian. They may call themselves that, but may not know God, or have a relationship with Him.
There are plenty of Bible verses on this that I’m sure you’ve already seen before. For example:
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[a]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? - 2 Corinthians 6:14–15 (NIV)
Ironically, DQ was the first one to have a conversation with me about marrying a Christian. But I didn’t understand or agree with what she said at first, because I wasn’t deeply rooted enough in my faith. C mentioned that DQ wants to marry Jesus. In a way, yes. But DQ isn’t looking for Mr. Perfect, everyone has flaws. She is looking for a guy who is rooted in his faith, and loves Jesus more than anyone. If he loves God more than her, he’ll be her Mr. Perfect. And that’s not a too high of expectation. The Lord will provide. And deep down, she knows this. I think she’s just getting impatient because she thinks there’s supposed to be a set timeline for her love life.
I talk about this subject in “a little on love,” but when it came up in conversation this morning (it seems like all these conversations happen at strange hours), I couldn’t help but write about it. While I’m in sort of the same boat as her (I haven’t yet my Mr. Perfect yet), it is not a problem I’m currently dealing with. I know I’m not ready to meet my future partner. I’m striving to be a godly woman, but I mess up all the time. And my future husband, whomever that may be, might not be ready either. When we’re both ready and the Lord has worked out all our kinks (or enough of them), we’ll meet each other. The Lord has already hand-picked our partners out for us. And like I said in my last post about waiting for the right one, “I’d rather wait than meet a dozen Mr. Wrongs.”
Lead Me to the Cross - Hillsong United
These are such powerful words. Sometimes only a song can explain exactly what I’m feeling.
I haven’t had a serious relationship with a boy my whole life. And you know what? I’m okay with it. Yes, it would be lovely to finally have a boyfriend. I’m in college for gosh sakes. But after a lot of reflection, I’m not ready. Throughout high school, I was way too busy with my academics, and my faith life was in shambles. Even though I’ve grown a lot over the past year, I’m still not ready.
I want to be a godly woman when I meet my future boyfriend. I want to have a strong relationship with the Lord. I would have laughed at this reason a few years ago. I didn’t care about what kind of man I wanted to date. But I have realized now I want to be with a Christian man - someone who loves God more than me. And you know what, if that’s in my cards, the Lord has already hand-picked someone for me. Right now, we both might not be ready to meet each other. We still have kinks that need to be smoothed out. It’s frustrating sometimes, but I’m fine with waiting. I’d rather wait than meet a dozen Mr. Wrongs.
As a speaker pointed out to me this past weekend, girls deserve a godly man, not just a Christian boy. Even though a guy may go to church every Sunday and attend bible studies/worship, it doesn’t mean he has a relationship with God. This goes vice-versa. Secondly, girls also deserve to be initiated with. It’s weird hearing that even though we’re surrounded with society telling us girls should ask the guys out. But I agree with the statement - we do deserve to be initiated with. And ladies, keep your standards high - never settle. Guys, same. Don’t ever settle.
The Lord has plans for us - and though it’s hard to wait, He always pulls through.
It’s weird being back home.
If I thought living out-of-state with a faith life was a test, I was dead wrong. Coming back here, I’ve done absolutely nothing to be with the Lord. This is my test. And if we’re taking grades off of the past week or so, I’ve failed. And it’s so disheartening. Now that I’m back with my family and friends, I guess my subconscious feels that I’ve got all that I need. But that’s wrong - there is an empty gap. I feel it now - it’s like a throb. Yes, I might be back with my family and friends, but without the Lord, it doesn’t matter. I may as well be back in the Midwest. And now that I’ve realized this, I still feel like I’m failing Him, even as I write this.
What makes matters worse, college seems like a dream. I don’t particularly miss the people, the town, or the work. I do miss the freedom, but that’s another story. Maybe it will change as the days pass. Maybe I will miss my life there. But I can’t decide if this is just backing up why I should transfer. The more I think about it, the more terrifying the idea is. Thinking of the future is so scary, I don’t know.
I’ve been getting daily e-mails from a site called 365 Promises. Honestly, you guys should subscribe to it if you love the Word. It’s so comforting. I just like the author’s twist on psalms and verses I’ve read about my whole life.
An example that I especially love:
